Here are 5 steps to break negative relationship patterns. My guide to healing your past and moving forward. Sometimes being uncomfortable and addressing repressed emotions is our gateway to healing. If you have found yourself attracting the ‘wrong’ partners or getting into unhealthy relationships, these steps can help you break the pattern.
1. Begin With Forgiveness
To even consider healing, we first have to forgive ourselves. It is hard looking at ourselves with such scrutiny, especially when focusing on our ‘mistakes’. Although we are the ones attracting these certain types into our lives, be it romantically or via friendships, it is only us who can break that habit.
2. Identify The Patterns
Once we start from a place of forgiveness, it is only then that the real work can begin. The key is to look back on your relationships and identify the patterns that appear throughout them all. I simply sat and wrote our the pros and cons of each one, highlighting the main traits that each person possessed. By putting pen to paper you can clearly collate the recurring issues and begin to make sense of them.
3.Where The Issues Stem From?
The hardest stage of all is digging a little deeper to see where the issues stem from. Without sounding too Freudian, our relationships are heavily influenced by that of our parents. As children, our parents’ relationship is our first example of romance we see. Did your parents have a rocky marriage? Did you grow up in a single parent household? Was there always conflict and the raising of voices? Or did they always show unconditional love and affection? Whatever traits your parents’ relationship had, whether it was good or bad, will have had a profound impact on you. In your own time, peel back the layers and see if you are carrying any of those traits into your own relationships.
4. Someone Else’s Point Of View
So far, the healing process has only been about us. But what about putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes? How did they feel about your actions? Did they see the relationship in the same way as you? This was where my groundbreaking ‘aha’ moments kicked in and I began to let go a little more. When you view yourself through that person’s eyes, you can see how your actions or emotions were received. For example, did you feel like you weren’t worthy of their love? Did you spend the whole relationship chasing their approval? Or did you push them away to avoid conflict or being hurt? Being able to see yourself through the eyes of another speaks volumes about what you may wish or wish not to change.
5. How Do You Want To Feel?
Finally, the most important step; how do you want to feel? When you are ready to date again or have a romantic relation with another, you need to identify exactly what you want. The best way to do this is to write out exactly what you are looking for. How do you want to feel within yourself in that relationship? Maybe in the past you have sourced your happiness from the other person. One of your feelings to note would be to feel 100% happy and whole in yourself. You may wish to be committed to a self love routine that no other can impact on. Or simply to have a partner that encourages that practice and respects your need for your own time and space. Or it could be that you are with somebody who supports you in everything you do! Who gives you the love and attention you deserve that others haven’t given you. Whatever it is, really picture how you wish to feel and make it as detailed as possible.
But remember, the key here is to love yourself unconditionally first. Regardless of what negative patterns you have uncovered, love always begins with the self. Take the time to work on you and your goals and the rest will follow. And, more importantly, do not compromise on your values and what you want out of a relationship. The right person will come along and you will be happy that you waited. And if they don’t, you are so focused on loving yourself that you don’t need anybody else!
Have you begun healing your past?