I finally caught myself, 2 days after falling into an old and toxic habit. Years ago I would have let it continue for weeks and months. This time around I put a stop to it as soon as I found strength.
After experiencing glimpses of inner peace, I am now more sensitive to the polarities of emotion. It is strange how the highs I once craved aren’t so high anymore. Yet the lows are so much lower than I had ever remembered. Toxic habits aren’t always easy to identify, particularly when they have been ingrained within us for years.
We chase highs for different reasons. This was to escape my reality as I was stressed, anxious and tired. I take on other people’s emotion as my own and I must admit it is exhausting. Particularly so when those I love are in deep pain. I hadn’t found a way to detach myself from external energy and in turn I struggled to meet it with consciousness.
In the previous week I had felt deeply unconscious. I was resisting yoga, meditation and had little time for self care. That in turn allowed my mind to take over and seek gratification elsewhere. Leading me down old paths that I had detoured from.
I know that I am not being my true self when the idea of self care no longer appeals. When I cannot quite be bothered. When I am terrified of what the Universe may present to me when I look inward.
The Universe had synchronised our paths to cross once again. For the hundredth time. This time it was to finally teach me the lesson I needed to learn years ago. To find strength to walk away from what no longer serves me. To turn my back on the old and broken part of me.
I know I needed to experience this to heal. I just wish I’d learnt the first time around. And so the healing begins again. And again.